There Should Be Only One

One what? One fucking Highlander movie, that’s what. I don’t think I am going out on a limb here or risking a tsunami of impotent nerd rage crashing down upon me in saying that every movie since the original has been flaming piles of human feces with some animal feces mixed in for good measure. What has spurred this rant you might ask? Well I have just starting watching the latest, and hopefully last, sequel in “Highlander: The Source”.

Few things have captured my imagination like the original Highlander. I love that movie so much. It would be impossible to count the number of times I have watched it. My love affair began before I had even seen it, as I was evidently too young to be allowed into a movie theatre showing decapitations. I remember just staring at the movie poster, transfixed by the black and white image of Christopher Lambert and the text reading:

“He fought his first battle on the Scottish Highlands in 1536. He will fight his greatest battle on the Streets of New York in 1986. His name is Connor MacLeod, and he is immortal”

I was already way in to fantasy literature and Dungeons and Dragons so it seemed like they had made a movie just for me. When I finally saw it on video I wasn’t disappointed, it was fantastic. The sword play, iconic villain, Sean Connery, and perhaps the greatest soundtrack in the history of cinema made me shiver with multiple nerdgasms. I later bartered with a classmate who worked in a video store to let me “rent” the only copy they had indefinitely.

Therefore, it would be an understatement to say that I was a tad disappointed in the first sequel (I refuse to even name the offending offal) and it just kept getting worse (offal 3 and offal 4), I mean there is only so many aliens on hover boards a guy can take. This brings us to the latest offal. I have to stress that I long ago stopped having any kind of expectations when it comes to Highlander sequels, I mean groin kick me once shame on you but groin kick me twice shame on me. When it came to the “Source” my expectations were so low that we are talking negative integers and yet I was so thoroughly flabbergasted and bewildered at how truly horrifying this film is. Watching this monstrosity made me physically ill; I might be less sickened actually watching my parents have sex. Yes it was that bad.

It wasn’t just that the story and acting were terrible, and believe me they were terrible, but it actually looked like they used my iphone to film it. The main villain I shit you not had the “speed force” and zipped around the screen like the flash.

I just don’t understand how they can continue to turn out movies that are so awful. They had it right with the television show, which was fantastic; it captured the essence of the original nicely. Why couldn’t they have just done a few Star Trek/X-Files style movies and called it a day, instead of repeatedly violating us with these hate films.